Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Be the Death of Me

Day of 6 White Rhythmic Mirror
Tone 6 (Rhythmic): creative power to Organize Equality, action of Balance
White Mirror (ETZNAB): Reflects and emphasizes Endlessness


I read astrological forecasts. (Probably not a big surprise if you've poked around this blog at all). I also read the news. I discriminate against both accordingly and on a case-by-case basis. Some news reporting is garbage, as are some forecasts. And then there are those that ring true.  

I've spoken to different people with varying beliefs on both subjects. And what I have said more or less consistently to everyone is, "I don't discriminate against the truth." Now, obviously I'm not perfect so this a generalized hope rather than an actual summation of my lifestyle. That being said, I have no problem with gathering knowledge, wisdom or truths from science, mysticism, elements, people, or evils. All these things can be teachers and, if experienced or encountered, will have influence of some kind. Even if that influence is apathy, disregard or dislike. 

So, long story short of the why: I wouldn't exist if the planets in our lovely little solar system had not aligned up exactly as they did, in that order, until "they were all" satisfied and became the round about motions we exist within today. If I only exist because the Sun, Moon, Jupiter, Mercury and the other planets formed just in the way they did, then I don't see why such planetary bodies would not have occasional influence over my state of mind. I breathe but for the planets, why should my moods not also be affected by them, who made me possible? (They don't spin because we tell them to). 

I rule nothing out if it makes sense. I also try and live my life with integrity, intention, transparency and communication. 

So, when I read PowerPath's new monthly astrological forecast for November--which has the theme "forgiveness"--I had a "Stop Moment" ("come to Jesus") with myself.   

I am a 29-year-old person, who--for most of my life--has been "healthy." I have not been to the hospital often, nor for anything severe, and I have eaten most whatever I wanted for the entirety of my existence. This is due to my good fortune more so than it has ever been because of my intentions. I have done physical activities in the past and I have limited sugars, but for many years I have eaten foods (and drank drinks) I have allergies to and I have eaten with no thought to true nutrition or actual dietary consistency for my body. After 29 years, that self-indulgence has taken its toll on my fortitude.  

Now, I'm not sure exactly why reading an astrological forecast with the theme of "forgiveness" made me have a Stop Moment and think about my diet and the way I have been and known myself for the past 29-years; but I do know that is what I needed to reflect on. 

Let me be clear: I'm not changing my diet on moral grounds and, for as long as I can remember, my modus operandi has largely been to ignore prolonged bodily discomfort for temporary edible pleasures. But today I spoke with a 5th generation Shaolin Monk and read this particular astrological forecast and it just clicked in my head that, by gawd fuck it, some shit has to change. And that shit is my own behavior against myself! That little shit is ME! Thus, whether or not the astrological reading is "true," it has proven useful and it is because of reading the forecast that I can even admit the following. 

I both suspect and know that I come across to different people very differently. If you are reading this and have met me, you know that I have many different emotional aptitudes that I call upon and inhabit on a frequently rotating basis (both effectively and ineffectively). 

Throughout my life, I have learned what is means to meet and get to know people. I have actively pursued knowing others both in ways that have kept me comfortable and in ways that have made me uncomfortable. Because of this I have gained a (seemingly more) natural ease with people that others may perceive as charisma or charm, but which I see as consistent practice and application of my social nature. Whether I have either charisma or charm is largely irrelevant, but it does contribute to how people "take me in." And, yet, even with all my person-to-person experience, I still find myself lost in translation. 

Internally, I am someone who is very much seeking to be a better version of myself. I am someone who aspires to get beyond my own bullshit as often as possible and who welcomes the people around me to assist me with this whenever possible and whenever necessary. 

I would prefer few, if any, barriers between how I see myself and how I'm seen by others. At the same time, I recognize that the complexity of my personality--even to my own self--will largely prevent the former sentence from ever being completely possible. Thus, I recognize that I must first, and thoroughly, get to know myself. Then, other people may come to know me as well. But only after MY efforts are repeatedly made, and effectively rendered. 

To that end, that means admitting when I'm wrong, both to others and to myself. And, beyond that, getting over my own "wants," "desires" and "privileges" so that I can sublimate my ego and immerse further into my more transparent, neutral and balanced self. 

In retrospect, 2016 has been an extreme year after an intense 2015. I have endured more than I certainly ever imagined possible and in ways I never even bothered to imagine. (Further proof that when it comes to the ideal future, humans really have limited fucking ideas about what is good for them). I have moved many times, lived out my suitcase for half this year, said goodbye to friendships without trying to achieve that end and let go of dreams that were most certainly outdated. 

There are parts of me ruled by my ego that would really like some "clarity" or "transparency" or a general "moreness" from all that has taken place for me this year. There are answers that I desire. There are people who I don't understand (and have tried to) and that has confounded me. There are things I would have liked to do that I was barred from participating in because of the personal privilege of other people to rule over themselves regardless of whether the "why" of how they did it was "fair" or "reasonable" (in my eyes).  

And yet, despite the great amount of shit I have come through in 2016, I just can no longer be bothered to be after people about what "is and isn't deserved" anymore. I need transparency for my own well being and that goes both ways. Whatever I think they did to me, whatever they think I did to them. Unless we both show up to speak about it clearly and with the intention of coming out as better individuals regardless of "wrongness" or "rightness," I just cannot commit undue energy to such circumstances. They are significant to me, but they are not of greatest import to my well-being.  

I am "nearly" at peak neutral. It's real close, I can taste it. Tastes like me doing other things that are of greater importance to my existence. And I'm trying to be all about that! I just cannot be upset, or disappointed or frustrated by other people in my life right now. 

Because I am too busy being frustrated BY.MY.SELF!!

Haaaa. But for real. So. Ground zero: The "me" in "what's wrong with them?!" 

The point I'm trying to make here is that other people and your issues "with them" are more or less irrelevant when you prove to be a big enough obstacle for yourself. That includes keeping company with people who have no understanding of you, perpetuating behaviors that sabotage your well-being, putting yourself in an environment that makes you miserable and a less caring person, etc. 

The way I am my own obstacle involves the fact that I have never had a consistent diet, I have persistently eaten foods that are corrosive to my health (Hello, dairy and nightshades!) and 29-years of this blasé ass behavior has led me right into a severe case of eczema. 

Now, there are definitely worse things. But eczema is a persistent skin irritation that can spread everywhere and which is a reflection of much more abuse underneath. And, as someone who ultimately does want to be a better version of myself, this is frustrating. 

Hello. My name is Sanyu and I am allergic to dairy. I am also allergic to nightshades (tomatoes, potatoes, sweet and hot peppers, eggplant and tobacco) and I am from Los Angeles. Haaaa. But also, seriously?! I have spent the majority of my life eating Mexican food and now I'm being body-checked by my own body. 

There are a lot of kinds of eczema that have a lot of different causes; many of which are "unknown" in general western medicine. So I'm left with topical medication and I'm being told to keep a food diary. Good advice unless you eat nearly 75% crap for your personal dietary needs! And look. If you need surgery, by all means go to a hospital. Get a vaccination instead of polio. Use insulin. I'm not shitting on where western medicine gets it right. 

But the fact is, we have a western medical system that pays nearly no attention to diet and food. And we have a western food system that definitely pays little attention to health and medicine. So here I am in the midst of all of this social conditioning on my way to looking like Croc from Suicide Squad. Other Fun Facts: Eczema can cause your hair to fall out, it can cause you stress, it can cause you to have a weepy body AND that's just you on the outside! 

Beyond that: acids, sugars, carbohydrates and meats. Otherwise known as the "American diet" are all having an effect of my already compromised body. There are so many things I've been eating for so many years that aren't good for me that, at this point, eliminating one thing at a time is just not.going.to.do.it. 

Thus, on the crest of my Saturn Return, my 30s, and my personal revival from being punched in the face by the past 2 or 3 years, what am I to do? 

It depends, right? I mean, DO I really want to be the best version of myself? Meaning the version of myself that can assist, serve and help the most people (including myself). Do I really want what is BEST for me and not simply what I WANT to have? 

Everyday I'm answering those questions with my actions, my decisions, how I treat myself. Every day I'm either holding myself back or propelling myself forward. And it is indeed always me who I can look into the mirror (or into my past) to blame on this issue. So what's it to be?

I say, death to old-Sanyu. That she may rest peacefully in her grave of 29. That I not only forgive her all of her indulgences, but appreciate her for them even as she forces me into my next iteration. 

It's her or me at this point. And I want to be my best version of myself. Case in point as to where I am now: SHE AINT IT. 

I don't hate her for it, but I can't keep indulging her ways either. 

So this post is for everyone out there who may think personal power lies outside of their hands, or that there is "someone else" to blame for their personal dissatisfaction, but who show existence everyday what they are willing to submit to on a regular basis. 

You. You in the mirror. You, Sanyu or other person. You, [submit your name here]. What are you doing to yourself that you know is unhelpful? 

And do you know how to do something, anything, else? 

Then prove it with your actions and reactions. And if you don't and want someone to blame, look first to yourself. 

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